Tyler Perry has a movie out now called I Can Do Bad All By Myself.  I honestly don’t know what it’s about as I’m not familiar with this story; however I am familiar with the saying. You see, my mother said if for as far back as I can remember. It was her philosophy for women in relationships and it’s something she instilled in me whether she wanted to or not.

It is based on the principle that “your man” is supposed to build you up emotionally, mentally and financially - not tear you down. He’s supposed to support you so that your status rises as opposed to his slowly chipping away at what you have already accomplished on your own. If you find yourself struggling with him and because of him, then you have to apply this philosophy of life to your life and ask yourself – “If I can do bad all by myself, what do I need him for?”

To be honest, I wish women (especially young women) would start thinking in these terms. Here are a few other rules of the game that unmarried women need to adhere to more often:

Lending money: This is a big “no-no” in general as lending money has caused quite a bit of distress between friends. However, helping a friend is still an honorable thing to do- within reason. If you are constantly lending money to your boyfriend then there’s a strong possibility you will soon be in the position of bill collector. Close your purse before this happens. Also, there shouldn’t be more than one loan out to him at a time. If he hasn’t paid loan one back, then loan two should be out of the question.

Money rules - There should be no lending of monies to new boyfriends (up to 6 months) or when you can’t afford it. If it’s your rent money, money that you need back right away or if you’re taking out an official loan or cash advance, then don’t lend it. Always think about getting a written contract, especially for large amounts, so that the repayment agreement is clear. An agreement will also make a handy court document if you decide to sue.

Moving In -   When the decision is made, the romantic side of you may be giddy with excitement but your practical side should be thinking about the details of the arrangement. Even though you might live happily ever after, you might not, so be prepared. Make sure the financial arrangement works for you and keep the furniture purchases separate to clarify ownership. Also, think long and hard about putting your name on the lease.

If he is your landlord (only his name on the lease or mortgage) he can ask you to leave whenever he wants. (You may legally be entitled to a 30 day notice). Also, any “sweat equity” you put into a home he owns, is his forever.

If both names are on the lease, you both have equal rights (you can’t make him leave) and equal responsibility (legal obligations from a break up can land you in court).

If it’s just your name make sure you can pay the rent/mortgage without his help, so get an affordable place. Have a backup plan such as money saved to tide you over while you get a trusted renter to move in and help with the bills.

The Common Sense Factor – Ladies you have it, so use it! There is not a woman in this world who cannot accurately diagnosis the behavior of someone else’s boyfriend or husband and provide a simple remedy. We can give great advice to our girlfriend’s relationship issues, using the analytical powers of a renowned psychiatrist, but we refused to do the same in our own situations. Why? Because we prefer to think and react out of emotion rather than logic when it comes to making the right decisions for our own relationships. It’s easier to keep blinders on and repeat the “He really loves me” statement while ignoring the equally important “He really respects me” statement. We don’t want to use our common sense to solve relationships problems because more often than not, using the common sense factor will result in a break up.

Priorities – If a man is not taking care of his own kids, you should be concerned about his character. He’s not just a bad father but he is also irresponsible and probably a man with selfish tendencies. He has not learned to appreciate the people in his life or learned about the give and take of successful relationships. Also, integrity may be a foreign concept (he’s not taking care of his kids!) Don’t be surprised if he expects you to support him in all of his endeavors but he is not willing or able to support yours. With or without kids involved, if he can’t or won’t make your needs as important as his, then having a satisfying relationship with him will be difficult, if not impossible. Of course, if that’s the case, your next thought should be:  I can do bad all by myself.  

I sometimes watch the soap opera All My Children and they started a storyline that sort of bothers me. When you watch soap operas you always know the two people that they’re trying to put together as a couple and for some reason, the older woman with a younger man as a potentially serious couple bothers me a little. However, what really bothers me is the fact that it bothers me at all. Why shouldn’t a fifty year old woman be with a thirty year old man? Why does it seem that the reverse (50yr old man w/30 year old woman) is more acceptable in our society?

I thought about this and talked it over with a couple of people. Maybe I’ve been indoctrinated with he double standard society has for men and women. For instance, when we age, the woman gets old and the man gets distinguished. His grey hair intertwines with his normal color creating a salt and pepper effect that has the look of sophistication. Her grey hair, not matter how little, creates an old effect that has the look of grandma.

Older woman are categorized in these cases as someone old enough to be his mother and… well, nothing – just old enough to be his mother. Somehow a woman stops being a sexual being once she reaches a certain age. The media and Hollywood makes sure that the term “hot” can be applied equally to men and women save for one little difference- women must be young. Once she becomes a mother figure (age) that’s it. She’s no longer a woman. That’s very different from how we see men. 

We think of men as the father figure who is the protector and who is capable (and expected) to take care of the woman. He’s someone who is providing his younger love interest security and who has established financial stability. If we apply the same standard to the older woman as we do to men in general, then she would be the one taking care of her younger love interest. Automatically, it must be sex for hire. (She got herself a gigolo!) If he’s established and providing the stability in the relationship, that still doesn’t seem to make sense. (Oedipus anyone?) What if they are just two self sufficient people who’ve found each other and fell in love? (still weird). 

Now to be fair, if there’s money involved, both men and women, older and younger have been accused of using each other. Interestingly enough, that’s understandable. However, the bottom line is I would like to shake this ridiculous double standard that I have unwittingly carried with me. I mean, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? On this same soap opera, older men have been with much younger women for years and for some reason, this didn’t freak me out so much. I can’t put my finger on exactly why I have the double standard but the reasons I’ve mentioned may have merit. It just troubles me. It troubles me greatly.

We enjoy many relationships throughout our lives but one of the most fascinating is that of the siblings. When the relationships are good, they can be the most satisfying connection a child turned adult can have in life. However, when those same relationships are troubled, they can be extremely emotional and painful. Many adults have common difficulties in their sibling relationships and they usually consist of these core issues:  

Parental treatment between siblings during childhood – Often it’s the relationships with the parents that cultivate feelings of jealousy, resentment or inadequacy (compared unfavorably to siblings) between brothers and sisters. (Often the quickest resolution for these issues also starts with the parents.)  

Specific incidents- Many times adult siblings are at odds because of accusations of betrayal based on a singular situation. Many times these matters involve the children or spouse of a sibling and can be deeply dividing.  

Relationship viewpoint - If one sibling defines themselves as the giver and their brother or sister as the taker, it can be difficult to reconcile those feelings into a positive relationship.   

Expectations of the responsible sibling- Many adult siblings feel pressured by the nature of the relationship to constantly help their siblings navigate through their adult lives. The help can come in the form of money (that is never repaid), jobs, providing transportation or a place to stay. The expectations of perpetual help can be a burden but feelings of guilt as well as the criticism they receive when help is not given can be just as burdensome. 

 The exact details for issues in each family changes, but the inability to forgive makes it difficult for relationships to mend. Some siblings think they have forgiven and moved on, but in actuality they’ve only learned to tolerate or effectively ignore the matter.  So how can you tell when you’ve completely forgiven someone? Here are two milestones:  

When the other party can not trigger old emotional responses to old issues 

When you are at peace with the past wrongs, even if the offender has no remorse 

Sometimes it’s more difficult to forgive your siblings or family members because the hurt is deeper. After all, siblings are one of the first, strongest and long lasting relationship bonds formed. However, if you haven’t quite made the leap to true, total and complete forgiveness, don’t beat yourself up. Things can get better! In the meantime, here are a few things to keep in mind about forgiveness:

·           Forgiveness is a process and you might have to forgive them everyday until it finally sticks. Think of it as your emotional shampoo – rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat for as long as it takes.

·           Forgiveness is for yourself not for your family. If you’re only doing it to please others, you’re probably not really forgiving them, but just sweeping issues under the rug.

·           Forgiveness is healthy! Carrying around mental burdens can actually affect you physically.

·           Forgiveness starts with a decision. Once you make the decision stay committed to the process (rinse and repeat!) The forgiveness process doesn’t always start in your heart, but hopefully it will end up there.

   ·           Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean giving in. If you’ve taken a stand (no lending money, no living together) but still want to mend your relationship, don’t automatically alter your position.  A healthy relationship requires healthy decisions!   

Also posted at the Siblings site for BellaOnline the Voice of Women