Tyler Perry has a movie out now called I Can Do Bad All By Myself. I honestly don’t know what it’s about as I’m not familiar with this story; however I am familiar with the saying. You see, my mother said if for as far back as I can remember. It was her philosophy for women in relationships and it’s something she instilled in me whether she wanted to or not.
It is based on the principle that “your man” is supposed to build you up emotionally, mentally and financially - not tear you down. He’s supposed to support you so that your status rises as opposed to his slowly chipping away at what you have already accomplished on your own. If you find yourself struggling with him and because of him, then you have to apply this philosophy of life to your life and ask yourself – “If I can do bad all by myself, what do I need him for?”
To be honest, I wish women (especially young women) would start thinking in these terms. Here are a few other rules of the game that unmarried women need to adhere to more often:
Lending money: This is a big “no-no” in general as lending money has caused quite a bit of distress between friends. However, helping a friend is still an honorable thing to do- within reason. If you are constantly lending money to your boyfriend then there’s a strong possibility you will soon be in the position of bill collector. Close your purse before this happens. Also, there shouldn’t be more than one loan out to him at a time. If he hasn’t paid loan one back, then loan two should be out of the question.
Money rules - There should be no lending of monies to new boyfriends (up to 6 months) or when you can’t afford it. If it’s your rent money, money that you need back right away or if you’re taking out an official loan or cash advance, then don’t lend it. Always think about getting a written contract, especially for large amounts, so that the repayment agreement is clear. An agreement will also make a handy court document if you decide to sue.
Moving In - When the decision is made, the romantic side of you may be giddy with excitement but your practical side should be thinking about the details of the arrangement. Even though you might live happily ever after, you might not, so be prepared. Make sure the financial arrangement works for you and keep the furniture purchases separate to clarify ownership. Also, think long and hard about putting your name on the lease.
If he is your landlord (only his name on the lease or mortgage) he can ask you to leave whenever he wants. (You may legally be entitled to a 30 day notice). Also, any “sweat equity” you put into a home he owns, is his forever.
If both names are on the lease, you both have equal rights (you can’t make him leave) and equal responsibility (legal obligations from a break up can land you in court).
If it’s just your name make sure you can pay the rent/mortgage without his help, so get an affordable place. Have a backup plan such as money saved to tide you over while you get a trusted renter to move in and help with the bills.
The Common Sense Factor – Ladies you have it, so use it! There is not a woman in this world who cannot accurately diagnosis the behavior of someone else’s boyfriend or husband and provide a simple remedy. We can give great advice to our girlfriend’s relationship issues, using the analytical powers of a renowned psychiatrist, but we refused to do the same in our own situations. Why? Because we prefer to think and react out of emotion rather than logic when it comes to making the right decisions for our own relationships. It’s easier to keep blinders on and repeat the “He really loves me” statement while ignoring the equally important “He really respects me” statement. We don’t want to use our common sense to solve relationships problems because more often than not, using the common sense factor will result in a break up.
Priorities – If a man is not taking care of his own kids, you should be concerned about his character. He’s not just a bad father but he is also irresponsible and probably a man with selfish tendencies. He has not learned to appreciate the people in his life or learned about the give and take of successful relationships. Also, integrity may be a foreign concept (he’s not taking care of his kids!) Don’t be surprised if he expects you to support him in all of his endeavors but he is not willing or able to support yours. With or without kids involved, if he can’t or won’t make your needs as important as his, then having a satisfying relationship with him will be difficult, if not impossible. Of course, if that’s the case, your next thought should be: I can do bad all by myself.